I am…exhausted. Protons are back up and running. Treatment was scheduled for 10 p.m. Monday night. I arrive to find out there’s a two-hour wait. TWO HOURS. (My instinct is to go to bed at 8.) And of course, I left my headphones and iPad at the apartment. I sat there anyway, in an uncomfortable chair, listening to more than one man snoring very loudly, until my name got called at midnight. The treatment itself took more than 45 minutes. I was done at 12:55. Then there’s the walk back, the drive to home-for-now, aaaaand the inevitable wind-down time that’s needed before I can actually pass out. A late night…

It’s a virtue but also hard to come by. It’s never been easy for me. I’m generally decisive and hate waiting for things but let me tell you, you do a fuckton of waiting and you have to be patient or else you’ll lose your shit. You wait for your appointment, your name to be called over the loudspeaker, for the tech to come grab you for treatment, wait while they take x-rays and position you. Wait for the proton beam. Wait for schedules, sleep, video chats with the kids, the weekend, the days to count down, more sleep. Waiting for the next thing so you can get on with…

I am done with radiation. Yay! I am having mixed feelings about it. Boo! And not necessarily the cancer, either. Life still happens even when your own little world feels like it’s on hold. I kept starting and stopping posts – I do that when I am stressed about something. I don’t like unknowns and my writing takes on a more desperate tone (or at least I think so). A lot of rawness comes out, and it’s something I’d rather keep to myself. It’s meant for my journal and my therapist. ???? Feelings get a little more complicated when you add in pain. Over the weekend before the last full…