New Year, More Life

2023 was the year of chaos and radio silence. I had a lot of healing to do. I cannot emphasis enough that for some of us cancer survivors, the aftermath is worse is worse than the treatment. Or maybe it’s just because so much changed at that time. Who knows. It shouldn’t matter – people process trauma differently. We don’t all do it right, but there is no right.

Radio Silence

You know something’s wrong when I’m quiet. I haven’t quite known what to do with myself, what parts of me are bad or hurtful to others, what my worth is. Funny how I went from so much confidence from the amazing treatment support to wondering if that second chance at life was wasted on me. Nothing about it is logical, but neither is life. Nor the freaking crazy drugs they put you on. Anyway.

A lot of shit happened. I questioned all that I am.

At the same time, a lot of things have been clear. I’m not who I was, but I’ve become more than that. Me but more me. It’s hard to explain.

And here’s where I’m gonna sound crazy. But fuck it.

I’ve always been weird or different and continued to be despite what it can cost me. Intuition has told me to keep going, that there’s purpose to my life in doing so. And yet, everything in the last few years made me wonder. I’m no stranger to mistakes or doing dumb shit, but I’m not afraid to confront it either. I just want to get better and help people. For me, that’s been using writing to share the good, bad, and ugly of the shitty things I’ve been through.

A psychic gave me a reading and told me I was a healer in a past life. She asked what I did for a living – I laughed out loud and told her “legal marketing.” She actually was shocked by how far off she was. You could argue I read into it and made the connection. She didn’t know I’ve been writing about mental health, miscarriages, or cancer – that I’ve always thought my purpose is to share my experiences so others feel less alone. I like using my skills to help, share knowledge.

(One of) my big downfalls is I seek validation. It often gets pegged as praise; I can see that. Realizing most things fall in the gray, I just want to know I’m doing the right thing. That how I’m thinking is logical or makes sense in some way. It’s a daddy-issue thing, of course. Someone who’s supposed to support and love you no matter what…doesn’t. The pattern shows up in a lot of my relationships, and I fully admit that I want to know if I’m getting things right. But it’s not a quest to be right or make it about me.

a person who is okay with being misunderstood is a powerful person

I read this quote not too long ago, and it resonated with me. Sure, I can find a quote out there to support any perspective…but that’s kind my point. Being different: am I doing it on purpose? What if no one understands – does it still serve a purpose? The phrase that constantly rattles around in my brain is: “well, everyone thinks so.” I’ve heard it an absurd amount of times growing up. Because when you’re the only differing opinion, it must be wrong. I’m the only one who thinks or feels this way, so it’s got to be bad. And for reference – it’s those close, familial-type relationships that are impacted most. If everyone close to me hates me/leaves me, I’ve got to be doing this all wrong.

But then, I could find a quote that says being different or hated on is how you know you’re doing it right. I don’t subscribe to this, but I have to think that 38 years in, I’ve been guided by something solid and haven’t completely ruined my one life.

My biggest fear in 2023 was hurting other people. With cancer, the mere mention of it can be triggering. Who the fuck wants to talk about cancer? But then who the fuck wanted to talk about depression or miscarriages? And beyond that, the chaos that my life has been over the last few years. I literally had little else to talk about because what else was happening?

I was grieving. HARD. The cancer – what it took from me and my kids. The toll it took on my body. My marriage, even if it was over long before cancer. Things were not the same, and so much changed so quickly.

Chaos

And there’s the expectation that people have of you after. Here’s how you’re supposed to feel – cancer should have been the worst of it. You’re not dead! One of my favorites: “I thought you were done with cancer.” (Notice it’s not a question.) I’ve also gotten a lot of “chaos” comments – things just need to calm down. You’ve already got a lot going on. You don’t need to make any more life decisions…

I spend too much time worrying about what others think about me. I want people to like me and be happy – not necessarily in that order. I yearn for validation, and it can destroy me. But I’m stubborn, and I continue to be stubborn on certain things despite all of it. Something’s got to give.

I want that confidence back – the confidence that I can be wrong and get better. I want to be the me who wasn’t afraid to be me. To write about scary shit. The shit people don’t talk about. Be visible again. Embrace the chaos – my chaos. And stop fucking explaining myself. I mean…what is this post if not an explanation for where I’ve been, why I’ve been silent, or why I make the decisions I do?

I am an acquired taste. Always have been. But it’s been genuine. I’ve been trying to figure out what’s “wrong” with me so I can explain to people why I’m different or figure out how to “fix” me…what a terrible idea! Jesus. It’s exhausting and doesn’t serve a purpose.

So cheers to doing the things that scare us, including being ourselves.