July Update

Howdy, friends!

It’s been four months since my last confession.

During which has been another whirlwind. It’s amazing the shit that can happen to you even when you’ve been through the ringer already. But hey, I’m like a cockroach. I keep coming back for more.

Oddly, despite the increase in chaos, things seem clearer than ever.

I’ve spent the last four months starting and running my own business, which has been more fun and satisfying than I would have thought. I like building and teaching. And I’ve got this business idea to help other legal professionals do what I did, and get out. Being at our annual industry conference earlier in April, I talked to so many diverse folks who are tired of sacrificing so much for a job that keeps them down. The legal industry doesn’t like change, but we’re all dealing with so much.

As my body starts to change with the side effects of treatment, I’m trying to come to terms with a shortened life span. Or one where I can’t do the things I’d really like to. I am definitely choosing things that are less impactful on my body and mental health.

I’ve always been ambitious in my career. I like working. But I’m tired of choosing work over my kids. Or work over myself. This is the self and the body I have. At 38 years old, I can’t use a mouse or type without pain. The more hours I work, of course, the more it hurts. I can’t put the 40 hours plus in a week because it literally impacts my quality of life. That’s not the life I want.

Could I do it? Have it all? Probably. At what cost? Four months without a traditional job was an eye opener.

I’ve always wanted to write a book. Let’s face it, I have a lifetime of book fodder. It’s my life’s calling; always has been. But I want to do it soon. Now.

I’m a little afraid my cancer is growing back. My right armpit has felt sore and swollen internally…but there’s also the carpal tunnel. My new (male) doctor told me it’s just the nerves connecting.

Uh, dude. Know what that feels like.

I want a PET scan just to make sure, but he won’t order one. He can’t feel anything. But this is what I felt before diagnosis, and I don’t have a good feeling about it.

You think it’d be as easy as pushing for one. It’s hard to have leverage when you can’t pay your bills. I’m another bankruptcy victim of cancer (and divorce). I am loathe to admit this but this is real life. It’s the reality of how expensive medical care is, and so many cancer patients – any medical patients, really – can’t pay for their well-being. So much guilt. So much anxiety over wondering if, while I’m working finances out, that my cancer comes back. Or I miss something because I didn’t go to the doctor on time.

I did get a job; (1) because it was a good opportunity and (2) because health insurance. Funny how everything comes back to health insurance now. 😉

I’m pretty healthy other than the carpal tunnel and hip/knee problems on my right side. My immune system is definitely back! Thank goodness.

I got my period for the first time in two years, which I gues was becasue my Zolodex ran out early. So instead of stomach implants every 3 months, I get them every month. I forgot how much I hated periods. Seriously.

The kids and I have been enjoying time together. We took our first plane trip to Florida where we were treated like royalty. ???? It was nice to get away, just be removed from The Money Pit and everything that’s happend. The kids had a blast. I had a blast. Lots of pool time was had. We felt very cared for. <3

We are headed to a cancer retreat in Emerald Isle in August! I’ve never been to NC. We are pretty excited. Trying to make memories, have fun and be as carefree as possible.

I’m excited to wake up and start a new day. It’s been since…I don’t remember when. I’m excited about what the future holds, if my body can hold on. There’s a lot of living left to do, and I’m gonna get shit done! 😉