Chemoversary

January 24th, 2022, was the last time I had a chemo infusion.

The main chemo, anyway.

I’m not surprised the anniversary didn’t pop out at me. It’s kind of easy to forget, considering I want to forget.

Leftover Symptoms

A year out from the worst of chemo (chemo still technically continued until December 2022 with that Phesgo shot):

• My hair is growing! Quite nicely, too. I knew my physical appearance would change quite dramatically, so before chemo, I downloaded an app so I could take a photo a day. So, a year’s worth of images in 19 seconds.

• My eyelashes and eyebrows took a beating – they’re still sparse and trying to grow back in a year later.
• Nails are still brittle and short, peeling.
• Neuropathy in my fingers still. Besides the eyebrows, this is the most noticeable thing for me. There’s a little bit less dexterity there. They’re numb, so it’s hard to pick up little things or even scrub my scalp in the shower. I can’t feel what I’m doing. Like the feeling is blunted.

The Aftermath

I still get hot flashes which I had during chemo, but I think that’s due more to the stomach implant I get that suppresses ovary function.

I physically feel good, for the most part. Not gonna lie, the kids and I have been sick like 95% of the winter so far. I didn’t really realize that the Phesgo shot I had until September also made me immunocompromised, so OF COURSE I’m getting everything. And getting it for like 2 weeks. It’s not fun. Especially when I’m trying to get into the office more (at let’s just say most employees out there aren’t as apt to stay home when they’re sick).

Being sick has also meant I’ve been having to miss medical appointments, so I’m still working on the ovary removal, DEXA scan, radiation follow-up…and there’s probably more that I’m forgetting.

I have been managing to “get out” (even if it’s a Zoom HH or phone call) and talking to friends. That has been amazingly wonderful. It’s been really hard for me to keep up on friendships because all I care about at the moment has been surviving – not just medically, but as a family and a career-minded human. In the past, I’ve been a bit of a driver. I’m fine being the one to set things up and facilitate…and that might look like I’m completely uninterested, but I’m not. Besides not having much room in my brain for anything but survival, I don’t think I’m much of a friend at the moment. But then, turns out, a lot of people understand that. And sweet baby jesus, I cannot tell you how much I appreciate that. The grace.

I’ve talked to a few other people who have had medical emergencies, so to speak. The treatment is the adrenaline rush. When it’s done, you’re slammed back into reality, and that’s when the support lessons when it’s really when you need it the most. Things moved so fast, and then you’re dropped back into your life, but you’re completely different. Everything is different. And then you’re me, and literally everything else in my life changed. I was not well.

And I don’t say this for sympathy or attention (jesus christ, I’m a masochist then), but because I’m not alone. It’s NORMAL for shit to get harder when you’re done with a life threatening medical condition. It’s really when everything starts sinking in. It’s when you have to start dealing with life and what the medical shit did to it. The aftermath. It certainly is something. Don’t beat yourself up when you come home or get done with treatment and you find you’re worse off.

But hey – I’m here! I managed to make it to my 38th birthday on this planet. I was even healthy, and the kids and I went to Great Wolf Lodge, an indoor waterpark that the kids can’t get enough of. I booked tickets to the Dells for the spring, so we have something to look forward to. And I have plane vouchers I need to use, so I’m hoping to plan a trip to Florida so the kids can get in an airplane trip (funny how kids feel like they’re missing out when they haven’t been on a plane). I’m trying to make memories with them while I’m here. Times where I’m not concerned about work or health or relationships. We can just be and have fun. I like those days.

So, happy chemoversary to me!