A long update!

I keep meaning to check in. I’m kind of in the “if you don’t have anything nice to say…” mindset. Not that cancer was ever nice. Being separated sort of puts a weird spin on things, too. I’m not here to complain about that, either. It just makes things a lot more complicated.

I passed up my “cancerversary,” but I don’t care about diagnosis. I think I’ll celebrate my year of being cancer-free at the end of February when I had the double mastectomy; that seems like a good thing to celebrate. I’d love to say I’m done with “active” treatment, but I am not. COVID and several other illnesses keep pushing my last shots out. These are the chemo/not-chemo drugs – a fun shot in the thigh that takes 5-10 minutes to be injected. The good news is that there’s only 2 left.

After “active” treatment is done there’s 5 years of hormone therapy. There are two components to this – ovary and hormone suppression. Ovary suppression is that quarterly Zolodex implant in the stomach. It’s actually not as bad as the Phesgo shots. At least with the Zolodex, you get ice to numb the area first. Not so with the thigh shot. And then there’s all that liquid that sits under your skin which is uncomfortable. That’s fine, I can deal with all of that. It puts you into medical menopause which is…sweaty.

I think I’ve mentioned the hormone suppression drugs. I do not like them. And I mean, my body and mind cannot handle them at this time. I cannot explain what these drugs do to you. I would rather go through chemo on a yearly basis than be on those fuckers for 5 years if that’s how I react to them. There’s also a large group that is dedicated to “living with the side effects” of these drugs. And with everything going on in my life…I shouldn’t need to justify, really. But this is when you get the look, like you’re entering a death sentence, but whatever. The confluence of all these crazy fucking events is bad enough; I don’t need to be medically induced into whatever the rock bottom is of rock bottom.

Anyway. I digress. I’m only <20% hormone positive. HER2+ is the main diagnosis, and the HER2 drugs where what made me cancer free. I’m also going to try the suppression drugs again down the road when life is less like a dumpster fire.

Still working on the ovary removal stuff. It’s a bit of a joke at the oncology office that I have to keep canceling because either me/the kids/all of us are sick. I got COVID in July or August, I think; hard to remember at this point. Then various colds. A nasty sinus infection. Kids were home last week, and Mae’s been home this whole week (minus the school closing on election day – is that a thing?). COVID, RSV, and the flu are pretty rampant around here. I still have some kind of sinus thing + a UTI (because why not?).

Vertigo has been a fun long-term side effect of COVID. I did lose my sense of smell for a while, and I think it sometimes comes and goes, but then that could very well be the sinus crap. Oh, and the brain fog. Of course I’m writing this after the fact since I FORGOT. My mind blanks very often in a way I am not at all used to. It can be kinda scary at times – like a connection got severed. It’s weird.

Even with all that, I still feel pretty damn good, actually! This is all annoying but I can deal with the colds. There’s just nothing that beats being able to be up and moving around! Fatigue is no joke. There’s so much freedom in movement.

I don’t know if that is the cause of my 40 lbs. weight loss. I mean, to be fair, 10 lbs. were my boobs! HA! When I stepped on the scale after surgery, I wondered why I had lost weight. Well…duh! Though I suspect more of the weight loss is the result of the Phesgo shot. It’s ruined my stomach and makes me pretty nauseous. I cannot wait to be done with those! The funny part is that like a year and a half into the pandemic, I threw out all my smaller clothes after 7 years of holding on to them (damn kids!). That always happens! The minute I throw shit away…

My hair is growing back in pretty quickly! For me, anyway. 😉 Definitely tighter curls – somewhere in between Evelyn and Mae. Looks slightly darker with some white in there, but not more than there was. I’m having a hard time keeping the curls under control. My old hair did not have this kind of volume! It sticks out all over the place. And I do NOT look good in hats. (Someone once told me I looked better bald! ha!)

Still bruising like a MFer but that should go away once Phesgo ends. I still have lingering neuropathy in my fingers which isn’t terrible but I notice it quite a bit. Makes it hard to feel or grip things. But that’s my only lingering chemo side effect, so that’s good.

My mastectomy scars are looking great! My chest feels damn good, so good I don’t even notice it. I did not realize how much I noticed my breasts. They were always in the way or moving or doing something. Seriously! I keep forgetting they’re gone. I am not sad about them being gone, that’s for sure.

So that’s the health stuff. Pretty good, I’d say!

I’ll be blunt and say life is hard. Josh and I are getting along, so I’m not hinting at anything there. It’s all of the things are happening at once. I can’t work, take care of my health, be with my kids, deal with finances, deal with selling the house, deal with the house in general, take care of my mental health and whatever else I need to do at the same time. I’m working on solutions but it takes time, energy, and money. It’s a struggle. For the health part of it, it’s a lot of time on the phone, a lot of time waiting at the doctor’s office, more appointments, and you’re never just “done” with cancer. The kids are with me in the mornings for school, which starts after 9. I asked Josh if he could take them M/W/F – we were doing a rotating two-week schedule – so I could get more work done. We switch off every other weekend, but he has them overnight at least on Fridays so they can spend the night there once a week. The house is just never clean. I am not one of those people who feels obligated to do a load of laundry or take a break to clean something. I’m usually sucked into work and 5 hours go by. Also, kids are not clean. At least, mine aren’t. (You should see Mae stall her way into not cleaning.) Let’s just say my finances are fucked. I make good money, so that’s good. Working on figuring out how to deal with a six-figure medical debt, plus credit card debt accumulated during treatment, plus regular life expenses only I’m on my own, and the kids. Oh, and an unexpected ridiculous IRS bill. The house needs to be sold but it’s in need of lots of repairs. I’m not handy, either. Trying to sell things is like a whole job! We did do a garage sale in the fall but you never get rid of all the stuff.

Kids are doing pretty good. All of this has been hard on Evelyn. She loves her daddy, and it’s hard for her that he’s not there at night. I think Josh and I do a pretty good job of helping her through it. We’re pretty good co-parents, I think. 🙂 It’s hard all the same to see her sad. Mae deals with most things with her trademark silly humor, but she’s getting more mature, and it comes with a bit more awareness. At least when it comes to picking up feelings. With everything that’s going on, it’s been harder to keep that trademark smile on my face – they know. We’ve had some sad moments. I don’t like them, but they happen! We’re pretty good about giving snuggles and hugs, and then being grateful for each other. They’re pretty damn awesome, those kids. It’ll get easier as time goes on, of course. I’m really glad that there’s not animosity between their parents – it helps, a lot.

And work is crazy busy, like everywhere workplace in America. I’m off-kilter. I read this HBR article the other day that talks about how getting a new role is like changing your identity. It’s a lot like that. I’m struggling because everything else about my identity has changed — like there was a fucking life earthquake. Nothing’s salvageable, and I need to rebuild. I feel like my personality has changed, even. I don’t like it. For a moment, I had confidence. It was glorious! I feel so out of place. Being remote during treatment had more of on-leave impact. New body, new status, new (very unpredictable) schedule, new responsibilities in addition to all the old ones. The old me wouldn’t have given a fuck (ok, maybe a few, but not enough to stop me). I don’t know if I’m tired, depressed, in shock, or what. I’m hoping dealing with some of the personal stuff on my plate will start clearing things up. Trying to figure all of this out at once is…really something. 😉

We have had some fun in the last…however long. Just recently, I did an ad of sorts for a local breast cancer organization who gave me a grant for my monthly mortgage. They debuted it at a fundraiser and invited me to attend to say a few words. A friend of mine came with me – it was a ton of fun! We met an adorable older couple who just popped by because they were in the neighborhood, and we made friends. It was nice to meet folks who had been through it, too.

The kids and I have been on some fun (local) adventures. They love to swim so we spent most of the summer at a local water park with a huge wave pool. They’re obsessed. Their dad has an indoor and outdoor pool, so they definitely do not mind hanging at his place. 😉 He’s got an arcade (minus tickets and the shitty prizes), too. For the kids’ birthdays – they are now 6 and 8! – we went to this Wisconsin Dells-like indoor waterpark which was fun even for ME! They’re old enough and strong enough swimmers, I don’t have to hover over them all the time. Normally, I hate water and pools (weird, I know!), but I really enjoyed that lazy river.

I’m cutting myself off now, so I can get some sleep. Plus that’s pretty much the whole story. 😉

It was a bit cathartic to write this, so if you’ve made it this far, thanks. And sorry. 😉 If you can’t tell, I still retain somewhat of a sense of humor. It does come in handy!