Patience

It’s a virtue but also hard to come by.

It’s never been easy for me. I’m generally decisive and hate waiting for things but let me tell you, you do a fuckton of waiting and you have to be patient or else you’ll lose your shit.

You wait for your appointment, your name to be called over the loudspeaker, for the tech to come grab you for treatment, wait while they take x-rays and position you. Wait for the proton beam. Wait for schedules, sleep, video chats with the kids, the weekend, the days to count down, more sleep. Waiting for the next thing so you can get on with life.

I am so close to the end. I want so badly to be done, so I can be at home with my kids and my dogs. Go to work and do my job how I want to. I feel scatterbrained and tired. I’m constantly apologizing to folks because I can’t seem to get my shit together. It feels like I’m stretched thin on all levels. Why it gets harder when you’re closer to the end is a mystery to me, but that’s how it happens.

The bad news is that instead of finishing up next Friday, I’ll have to come back the following Monday morning. In the scheme of things, it’s a tiny setback. But there’s a cumulative effect from the months of dealing with medical shit. We’ve already been in an adrenaline rush since the pandemic hit, and the constant need to switch gears at a moment’s notice is exhausting.

I know it’s temporary and there are only 7 treatments left, but…

That’s the bad news.

The good news is that I am 7 treatments away from being done with active treatment. There are still Herceptin shots every 3 weeks until September. And then 10 years of hormone suppressors…that is not my preference. I’d rather get my ovaries out, but that’s a discussion for another day.

Treatments have been fine. My skin is starting to redden – happened over the weekend. It’s not too bad. Sometimes it’s itchy and sore but it comes and goes as I layer on lotion. Hoping it stays on the mild side.

I was able to spend some time with a friend whom I haven’t seen in close to a decade. But again, the silver lining of cancer have been the connections. It was awesome to spend time with a lovely person and feel a bit more normal!

Another treatment tomorrow in the afternoon following an appointment with my oncologist. I’m hoping to leave after that but I may need to stick around to get something done. We’ll see. I’m always flying by the seat of my pants, it seems.