Surgery Countdown

Wish I could say I’m in a better frame of mind, but I am stressing about things I shouldn’t have to be stressing about. Things don’t stop just because you have cancer, apparently. I wish they would, at least until the bulk of treatment is done. I don’t have capacity for more worries.

Paired with the looming body changes next week, I’ve been frazzled. The pain I can handle but the significance of losing body parts I’ve had for 37 years…I don’t know how to handle that or even prepare for it. Maybe it’ll be a non-issue. Who knows. Sometimes feelings whack you where it hurts.

The other worry is that Evelyn is sick. Sore throat and cough. She got tested for COVID on Sunday, which was negative. But she stayed home today and doesn’t seem very perky like her usual self. I’ve been taking immuno gummies since chemo ended, and I’m hoping they’ll save me from getting it, if it’s a cold. If it’s actually COVID…I’m f*cked. COVID = no surgery which probably = more chemo. Surgery needs to be performed between 4 & 6 weeks after chemo, and I’m right at the end. My guess is that if surgery gets moved, I’d have to do more chemo treatments. Not something I’d like to have happen but unfortunately it’s up to luck (and vaccines!). Just hoping I have good luck – usually I feel pretty unlucky (I mean, I haven’t won the lottery yet 😉 ).

A bright spot has been looking forward to Lindsay’s arrival. I’ve been incessantly reminding her how many days/hours/minutes/seconds until she arrives, which is probably stressing her out! ???? The kids are really excited, too. Lots of screaming about it.

In part to ease anxiety, I’ve been planning for it all. Making sure I have what’s needed for short-term disability and FMLA (paperwork that has to be filled out by the doctor). Writing the packing list for surgery, which includes a mastectomy pillow, button-down shirts, and a drainage belt (yeah, the fun stuff). Things you didn’t know you needed. Writing down questions to ask the surgeon. Making sure I’ve handed off things at work. Important things. But also not-so-important. Researching restaurants for my “last meal.” Finding lunch options in between Mayo appointments so we don’t starve. Minor things, but ones that calm me somehow.

There’s too much time to think about changes. I need distractions and hobbies…and cake. You know, things that make me happy. I’m tired of worrying about things. I’d love to catch a break at some point…any day now…