Tired

This week must finally be taking a toll on me. Usually by this point, I’m getting energy back. That has not been the case yet.

I’ve been reluctant to give details on my mom’s health since I haven’t gotten her permission. She’d be mortified if I was talking publicly about her. But a lot of what I’m feeling this week is related so it’s hard not include snippets. That said, I’m being a bit vague about it and I apologize in advance.

Since I got the phone call from my dad over the weekend, I feel like I’ve been walking in a fog. Not chemo fog, either. I admit to a couple “why me?” cries, but we all know it’s not going to change anything.

It’s hard not to be there. Right now, I’m in that 7-10 day window where I’m at my lowest white blood cell count. It’s risky to enter a busy hospital as a cancer patient. My brother was really kind about it – he advised me not to go and said Mom would be upset if I came. He’s right. (We’re weird, I know.)

While the chemo effects are less than last time, I find myself kinda queasy and tired. Not tired enough to sleep well, though. ? Definitely anxiety. Which of course turns physical – into jaw pain and a killer headache. But I have pills and other tools for those things. They help me along but it’s hard to get out of your head some days.

There are even some days where I don’t want to get up. Oddly, they seem to be far between. I can deal with the physical pain. It’s almost easy (ok not really). But comparing it to some of those dark days, I’m playing to win, which is a whole different kind of drive. I’m relentless when I have a goal in mind.

Paired with a really stressful situation, where I can’t be of help and have little information, I am in PREPARE FOR ANYTHING mode. It’s just a lot of worst-case scenario planning. Because it’s just what I do.

Funny enough, Becky got me this “witchy therapy” book. I started to read it, and the intro talks about intention. If we know stress can cause physical symptoms, why can’t we believe we can positively influence something? That’s what I’m hoping y’all are doing… ? I have to stay sedentary most of the day because that’s how fatigued I am, so all I can do is really think. I’m not sure I can muster up good intentions without help. ?

Even funnier was that one of my fave attys emailed me to say she was visualizing me kicking cancer’s ass. ? This the day after I was reading that book! I told her it must have been working. 😉

Anyway. I’m taking care of myself. The side effects have mostly worn off (besides the energy drain, that’s just always there).

The meals you amazing people provided were hugely helpful this week. I even felt good enough to partake in them! I’ve been working on all the thank-you notes (it’s FUN for me!) and will *hopefully* remember to put them in the mail. And yes, I will tell you what ink I wrote with! ?

I hate posting whiny crap like this, but it’s real. It’s hard to be brave all the time. It feels like that’s what I’m doing constantly now, and I’m not even halfway through chemo, one of three treatments. But then I remember that what I have is 40% curable. A lot of people don’t have those odds. So, I fight another day.

As always, thanks for listening. <3 xoxo