Looking Back at Week 1

Mental Health

I haven’t been as forthcoming about the first week as I might have been with other things. Not like I need to disclose this, but I pride myself on being open and honest. But then there’s the part of me who still likes to keep the dirty laundry hidden. It’s not fun to talk about all the bad things all the time, even if I am feeling bad more often than not.

My body going through chemotherapy is one thing. Getting cancer didn’t change what was going on before the diagnosis. Those stressors and issues are still there. And sometimes, they exacerbate one another.

When I’m in pain, I retreat inward. I don’t like to be (s)mothered, don’t ask; I’ll tell you. My inner-Evelyn really comes out when I hurt. (This is what I mean when I talk about karma! ?)

I am also angrier when in pain. It’s easy to get annoyed with things when I’m just trying to breathe through the moment. When people talk about cancer being about the mind, this is just one way in which it comes into play. You have to cope with the fact that you hurt in some capacity all the time. It’s not at high end of the pain scale, but it’s pervasive enough you have to listen to your body no matter what it’s telling you.

Sometimes that means cutting things out that don’t serve you well. It’s something I’ve had to do in the past, but as I wrote, cancer and life can exacerbate the other. Things I could handle during ordinary time are almost unbearable at times (has anyone watched the Midnight Mass yet? lol HATED IT).

So, between “ordinary time” and chemo symptoms, last week was a shitshow. A manageable shitshow. Somehow I manage to survive these things.

If you’re wondering, is she seeing her therapist? My answer is

I think I mentioned at some point my mental health journey would serve me well, and it has. I will see my rockstar therapist during treatment (tomorrow, in fact!). I made sure I could be on the anxiety and depression medication, too. These things are GOOD. They are tools to get you through the really hard stuff. And let me tell you, life can really fuck you up if you’re not careful. ?

Symptoms

As of today, I can totally tell I felt like shit last week. ?

Honestly, I was expecting worse. I’m still expecting worse. But my “worst-case scenrio” planning worked so what actually happened was less than I thought. I felt pretty decent through the weekend minus the “buzzing” and red skin. The “T” in the TCHP chemo is called “the red devil.” That shit can turn on you real fast once it’s in your body. It does make you feel flush so there was a lot of hot flashes and sweating.

The “buzzing” is like neuropathy and light-headedness combined. You have this out-of-body experience at first, some numbness along with your heart working REALLY hard to give you energy to move. Even talking can take a lot out of me (and we KNOW that’s never happened before).

And then the heartburn. Heartburn sucks. I’ve never had it but it ain’t fun. The nurse said I can take omeprazole, so that’s part of my meds until further notice. I take tums and calcium supplements, as well. It can make me feel a little nauseous, but the two meds I have for that particular symptom help a ton.

I was not super hungry last week but I did and could eat. No big aversions to anything except bland cashews ?. Same with smells, too. This part of it is a lot like pregnancy – the food preferences, the excess water weight, etc. So weird.

Food does taste different. I do have dry mouth so you’ve got that metallic taste – plus I’ve had this stupid cold for like a month. I’m not sure which accounts for what, but I stick to kinda bland foods that are filling. Also, I’ve been eating a ton of PICKLES. I love pickles almost as much as tacos. This is an amazing discovery. ? The nurse actually told me that pickle juice is good for upset stomachs, so I’m gonna keep a few jars in my fridge at all times. (Downside is both kids love pickled asparagus – I have to fight them for it!!)

I have some of my taste back today which is a really unexpected surprise. Things still taste weird but I am just happy I can taste at all. I even had COFFEE this morning! Just a little, but still. A nice reprieve until the next cycle!

Medical Expenses

I can’t thank you all who’ve donated to us through the GoFundMe. I promise that they’ll be put to good use. You know I’m tracking that shit.

Good news is that we’ve been able to pay the bills that have come in so far! I’m on my own insurance through my employer while Josh and the kids are on his (3M has great benefits but now they penalize having spouses if the spouse has a plan through their employer). I have a decent deductible and out-of-pocket max, which I’ve now reached. And as I’ve mentioned in the past, Mayo is UNDER network.

I don’t know enough about insurance to know if it’s going to automatically skyrocket next year. I’m going to be a “pre-existing condition” for the rest of my life now.

If there’s any money left over from treatment, I’d like to pass along the good fortune. In fact, I hope that if you’ve donated to me that you’ve done it for someone else you haven’t met. If you need a suggestion, donate to this brave kiddo, Hailey. Her mom and I went to college together so I can vouch she’s a real girl. 😉 She’s also a kid, and kids should never have cancer, DAMMIT.

The Tumor

OK it really is a tumor (but I just hear Arnold when I say it).

It’s really shrunk…as in my boob almost looks NORMAL. Almost. This is a HUGEEEEEEEEEEE win.

Oh, and I still have my hair? It’s a question because I still anticipate it falling out but I am now thankful for my slow-growing hair and nails all these years. There’s part of me that sorta hopes it does just so I can do fun things (1) while it’s gone and (2) when it grows back in, but I will also count this as a win!

Anticipating the Next Cycle

I think Team Taco is already on this, but in case you were waiting for me to ask for help!

Seems like the first week and a half are the hardest on me. It’s probably not a great idea for me to drive, so I’d need help dropping off the kids in the morning (and, of course, they’re at two different places and times). The dogs could use walks – just Olive and Liza. Foxy Roxy is a special little thing who covets Josh as opposed to everyone else. 😉

I don’t eat much during that time, but Josh takes the brunt of housework, kidwork, and foods. Should you want to do foodstuffs, that would be the best time!

If any of that is of interest to you (or if it’s your superpower!), contact my gal Lindsay.