Chemo Eve: Round II
I find myself thinking about a lot of things these days. This blog tends to be an outlet for me; but I’m also 36 with a career – a professional, if you will! – I don’t need to memorialize my struggles. I didn’t need to do any of this, or say as much as I say…but would it be me? It wouldn’t. So you’re going to get the not-so-great stuff, too.
I try not to dwell, but I do process things through words. Writing…so you may be witnessing all my fun neuroses. I sort of apologize…just let me say THIS IS NOT SPONSORED BY MY EMPLOYER. LOL Am I absolved?! 😉
There’s something about having my appearance change – it was harder than I thought. Not necessarily because I had a hard time looking in the mirror. It’s how others respond – a lot my kids. It’s jarring to see someone you know has a head full of curly hair. It makes me stand out, visually, and I HATE IT. Like my oldest, I HATE being stared at. I don’t want to be noticed among a group. I don’t want people talking about my body (like during pregnancy!). But yet, I can’t ignore the fact that some people instantly know what being bald means.
I can’t not acknowledge the elephant in the room (or breaking grammar rules, but I do it with purpose!).
So today I went into the office – no wig. They’re kind of uncomfortable after a while. I wore a hat. My head does get cold, so it’s nice to have.
I can’t explain how amazing my coworkers are. A lot like…well, ALL of you. Which makes me wonder what I was expecting…lol not this.
It’s been surprising in a really good way. And on weeks like this, where I’m feeling more emotional, it’s an extra boost. One of my attys even said how happy they were to be in a meeting with me! I mean…???????
Anyway. Chemo is tomorrow. Not something I look forward to, obviously. I feel confident I can alleviate most of the symptoms – heartburn, jaw pain, weird acne rash…oh yeah, that happened.
I cannot feel the tumor any longer, so there’s less for the chemo to cling to, so it’ll attack other cells. At least, that’s my non-medical opinion. ? I’m anticipating feeling crappier this time around. It took a little over a week to rally, so I had about 2 good weeks…which is fucking awesome! I’ll take it. My guess is that, like in pregnancy, the next time around is harder on your body.
No joke – this is way more like pregnancy than I’m comfortable with. ? This is really why women are badasses. Just sayin’.
This round is less time – only 5 hours instead of 7! So, joy!
Oddly, I have not finalized my chemo bag packing list…but I’m off tomorrow so I have time to add all the tricks Lindsay researched! ? Seriously. Linds has been my rock. Not having to think of some of these aspects of treatment is why I have such a good attitude about all of this. How can I be sad when apparently I have all these FRIENDS?!
It’s true, though! Sure, cancer sucks, but getting to meet BECKY IRL and connecting with people in a different way than before, and it’s hard NOT to smile about it.
I also may get a little satisfaction about using the diagnosis to my advantage. My friend was going back and forth over adopting a dog, and I was all…”well, I have cancer so you should get the dog.” ? (To be fair, she’s a good friend. 😉 )
As you already know, life is too short to not have fun. Cancer just makes it clearer.
I know there are so many of you out there thinking about me, and I hope you know that even if I forgot to text or call or email you back, that I hear it. It’s an honor to be even a small part of your lives.
xoxo
One Comment
Kevin
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