Treatment Plan #1

This morning, I met with the surgeon at the Virginia Piper Breast Center. He explained the diagnosis (stuff we knew) and then recommended chemotherapy first with Herceptin, which he says is the best advent to breast cancer in his 28 years.

The next step is to complete the PET scan for staging and meeting with the breast oncologist, who will recommend a chemo regimen. The nurse explained that this will likely mean chemo for 4-5 months and Herceptin for a year. The idea is to shrink the tumor until it’s gone or at an operable size (it’s large at the moment). Another reason for this is because of that lymph node that’s got it – they don’t want to remove lymph nodes unless they have to (then you get lymphodema). I think this is good news, but it also means the hardest part is first.

My questions were about the COVID booster and flu shot; Josh’s were on diet. ? I will be immunocompromised, so the booster and flu shot are recommended.

The surgeon said this kind of cancer is really a mind game. I told him I had plenty of experience with that. He asked why and I told him about the history of mental health – he said, “you are taking this pretty well.” ??? I’ll take that as a compliment.

And speaking of my attitude (amazing segue)… I get questions about that (and not just from my therapist!).

First, there’s a lot you don’t see (and probably won’t, honestly). I was a mess last week around the diagnosis, a lot surrounding the kids, the impact this will have on them. My body obviously knows because stress turns physical. I cry probably once a day, if I’m being real, and not always of sadness. I have no doubt as things move along, those feelings will change.

But that’s the “known” for me. There’s work to be done and things I haven’t experienced, but compared to the rest of it, that’s something I’ve dealt with before. It’s still scary AF, but yet, compared to how I thought I’d feel – not close.

Then there’s this conversation you have with yourself about death. I’m sure I’ll write more on my god views at some point, but I’m content that I’ve lived my life authentically and don’t have regrets there. Oh, I’ve fucked up plenty of things, generally not more than three times. 😉 I’ve learned from every mistake I’ve made.

And I’ve survived lots of things in my 36 years. To be honest, I wasn’t sure I’d make it to 16, or 21, or 30. Was it supposed to lead up to this? I grew up knowing I’d be a writer; there’s always been part of me who wanted to make a difference with it. It’s why, on and off over the years, I’ve blabbed about my personal struggles. Even if ONE person felt less alone, putting myself out there didn’t matter. It’s why I’m writing these things (sorta) publicly now. And, you know, I felt a little bit better to have good come from bad.

At the end of the day, or the end of the last day, I’ll do that and not have any regrets about it. You hope it doesn’t come sooner than it needs to but there’s something comforting in knowing that you did your best, facing things you can’t change.

And I can’t change the diagnosis. I can do all the things to put me in the best position – attitude among them – to get better. Live longer. Learn more things. Make more people laugh.

The cheerleading – oh boy am I overwhelmed. I keep saying it, I know, but not in my wildest dreams did I ever think this many people cared. And that you think I’m strong…sweet baby jesus. Out of everything, that’s the thing I cried to my therapist about. ? A lot of years of self-doubt are being loosened, and it gives me a huge boost. And that helps me keep going. It’s hard to accept sometimes but it feels good when a lot of things don’t. Thank you.

If this is a boxing match…wait, scratch that. I know nothing about boxing. Nerd gangs – I know lots about those. ? Army of smart, crafty nerds who love watching true crime, quoting Pokeman, name-dropping their celebrity cousins, reading horror novels, and googling things so you don’t have to – all to make me feel better. That’s you guys. ? You have all touched my life in some way – before all this. It’s hard to be sad all the time when that’s who you have behind you. (And a really good therapist! 😉 <3 )

xoxo