Oncologist

Today was one of the harder days for me. There was a huge part of me that wanted to skip the appointment and reschedule it for another day. Only I don’t really have that luxury. And then by the end of the day, I got bad news.

Josh ended up meeting me at the breast center so he could listen in. I have yet to do all the googling, but she’s recommending THCP, chemo and the HER2 blockers. The oncologist had a few follow-up questions for the Mayo doc on the tests they ordered, so I shot them a message to figure that out.

You have to meet with a nurse to go over chemotherapy – what it is, side effects, all the fun stuff. Then on Friday, I’ll head to the hospital for an echocardiogram. I have to wait longer to get the port installed…I guess I get knocked out. Someone will have to be my chauffeur and keep an eye on me so I don’t fall over and knock my head on something.

I didn’t realize the port was a whole procedure but I’ll be glad to be knocked out for it. Lindsay googled echocardiograms for me and said it’s not invasive.

I am feeling tired. Like I said, shit is getting real. Waiting to get an appointment or for insurance to agree with your doctor ups the anxiety a bit. And that’s not even the main reason why I’m feeling warn down today – it’s dealing with others.

I think I mentioned before I’ve been dealing with childhood trauma issues, and not too long ago, took the first step of scheduling some sessions with a therapist who specializes in combating how folks respond to traumatic triggers. (So yeah, then learning I had cancer was real fun.) Anyway, not sure now is a good time to tackle that particular thing, so I emailed her that I was diagnosed and going through treatment. No response. She canceled the sessions but no response. After communicating with her a few times, this does not seem like her M.O., soooooooooo does she not believe me? Either way, ruined my day. Not that it’s her responsibility…just. A little kindness goes a long way. (Some lady on Etsy wrote me a passive-aggressive email, which made me cry, even though she sent me a crappy plant ? )

Yeah, so, I cry about emails but not really about cancer ?

But then, upon driving to Evelyn’s first open house, I listened to a VM from the doctor at Mayo. She said their radiologist found an 8mm spot on my left lung that enhances with contrast. Finding this has a lot of implications. Ones I probably shouldn’t think of at the moment. Kind of a big blow after everything. I’m trying hard not to freak the eff out but it’s really hard. I just want to hug my kids and be normal.

The doc at Mayo is trying to get me in next week to do all these tests so I can start chemo. Hopefully I’ll know more soon.