Monday Updates

In recent years, I’ve been careful about how much of myself I put out there because I continue to struggle with self-worth. Turns out a lot of it stems from traumatic stress from my childhood, which is why it’s so deeply ingrained. I say that because I am SHOCKED at how much people care. And that’s not so you convince me otherwise, it’s just so you know how deep my gratitude runs. Really, really deep. Overwhelmingly. It helps – just knowing you care. It’s easier to be brave when you know someone’s cheering you on, let alone calling in favors and asking friends for information and sending silly memes in the middle of the day. I will keep smothering you with thank-yous, but please know that it’s more than just words.

New Information!

More good news. Someone from my insurance company called me to say my PET scan has been received and approved! I know they don’t need to do that, but thank god for these people who make it more bearable. The technician at the imaging center immediately emailed me to tell me it was approved and that she’d be calling me to schedule.

So Thursday I’ll be off to get injected with radioactive sugar. Yes, radioactive. I have to be at least 6 feet away from susceptible populations for 12 hours after the injection. I’ll also be on a no carb/no sugar diet for 24 hours beforehand. No coffee on Thursday, and no food four hours before the scan. Oh! And now strenuous activity for the 24 hours prior.

Also, I had an intake call with the breast cancer clinic at Mayo. We went through history, family history, what to expect, etc. — another fabulous nurse. She’s coordinating with my current providers for all the imaging so no duplication of efforts there. When I go to Mayo for the in-person appointment, we should be getting an idea of a treatment plan(s).

I’m meeting with the (current) surgeon tomorrow – not sure, exactly, what we’ll be going over (there are no tests involved, that I’m aware of). Based on what his nurse said, it might be potential treatment plans. Fingers crossed that the PET scan doesn’t throw a wrench into things.

Coordination by Lindsay

Like:

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She set up this hilariously themed Google form for people who’d like to use their “superpower” to help. (I love how she puts it!) Please make sure you appreciate her artwork:

Humor really is the best medicine. 😉 And she is the best. <3

GoFundMe by Kevin

(LOL)

It’s really f*cking weird to have a GoFundMe, let alone share your own. To be fair, most of us don’t think about getting cancer or facing expensive treatment plans. All of this feels surreal. Anyway. My friend Kevin, a wonderful and sarcastic friend, set up this for us. TBH, I haven’t looked at it except for once. Part of it’s that self-doubt and part of it is just the enormity of what it costs to get healthy in the healthcare system. Just…thank you. <3

How I’m Feeling

I get this question a fair amount, so here you go. ?

Pretty good. Cautiously optimistic. I think the PET scan will give me more peace of mind, or at least allow me to plan for the next part of this. I JUST NEED TO KNOWWWWWWWWWWWW. The waiting is really difficult, especially when I’m ready to GO.

Life does seem…different. Or how you look at it. I’ve been pretty contemplative, there’s a lot less noise during the day because I’m just focusing on one thing at a time. It’s easier to be present in the moment – to focus on one thing without much distraction.

I get sad and angry that I’m here, that people feel sorry for you, that you have to ask for help, that it’s just one more thing that makes you weird. But part of me is glad I’ve been a survivor for much of my life – it may serve me well.

My body tells a somewhat different story ? I can actually feel the mass – which is really weird and annoying. For birthing parents out there, it’s like milk is coming down. I’d say that’s not as bad as the physical impact from anxiety. I mean, it has been stressful. ? And I’m nervous AF.

My face might look like I’ve just been crying which may or may not true, but it is what it is. I’m trying to let the feelings come so I can deal with them and move forward.

I will say that humor is a big reason why I’ve survived, and it’s going to be a big tool in this. Don’t be alarmed at my morbid humor – it’s a coping mechanism. It also dispels the awkwardness people don’t know what to say! lol And, really, what do you say? I don’t know what to say, either. It’s all a wash. If you cry, I’ll cry. If you laugh, I’ll laugh. This doesn’t define me nor will I let it. It’s not about winning or losing but showing up and GSD (that’s Getting Shit Done). 😉