Just another Saturday
Last night was the first night I had a tough time sleeping. The stress of everything has triggered my TMJ (grinding and clenching). Cancer hasn’t worked its way into my dreams yet, so that’s the plus.
My parents came up for the afternoon. The kids were damn excited, as usual. We spent a lot of the day outside – it was unbelievably nice with the cool breeze. Great night for a bonfire with all the wood my dad dropped off. ?
It’s nice to be distracted by normal things. Well, and spend the day outside with few bugs and a cool breeze. There’s a lot to think about, a lot of feelings to process.
I feel good about the care I’ll be getting and having a lot of squared away. The surgery part doesn’t necessarily scare me – there’s always the potential. But you face that with c-sections. The thought of not having breasts? I mean, it was nice to finally have some after having kids but they don’t make me, me. I can live with or without them (the breasts, not the kids).
The kids wanted the check out the yellow bruise the biopsy left behind. Evelyn said (now I hope you aren’t squeamish about body parts), “it’s flat.” I explained it was and it might need to get taken off (lol yep, it’s who I am). She asked, “forever?” I said yep. She shrugged and left. ? (Is it weird to want to skip reconstruction just to show my kid that women don’t need boobs to be a woman? ??)
Throwing up and dying are (were?) my worst two fears. In order, funny enough. So chemo is probably the biggest fear. Dying, of course. But it doesn’t seem as terrifying, at least at the moment. We’ll tackle that when it comes. I never thought I’d live long, but that’s because depression and anxiety have been so much of my life – not this! But. As my therapist would say, I’ve survived 100% of my worst days. I’ll keep surviving to the last day.
No actual news on the treatment front. My appointments are set for next week, most virtual, so that way I can work around it. And if you’re wondering about work, they’ve been fabulous. It’s a bit hard to take that I’m in the prime of my career and BOOM.
I said as much and was assured this is a long game. Now that’s why this millennial has stayed for close to a decade. Health is #1 but I love my career and it’s nice to have the distraction. To feel a bit normal. Or, my version of normal.
And speaking of normal, I’ve been working on getting my appointment schedule together so a few folks have it outside me. Same things with documents and such. Planning helps the anxiety. My friend Lindsay will be helping coordinate things – TBD things. Meals or whatever. I dunno. We’ll have to deal with that as it arrives. Luckily, Josh is a great cook – so having me out of commission isn’t a loss on that front. 😉 Linds will also have access to this and may post updates if I’m not up to it.
We DID NOT have McD’s today but did have Jersey Mike’s – it’s a family favorite. Except for Mae, who doesn’t like pickles, mayo, or onions on her sandwich. We don’t know whose child she is. ?
